Life Unplanned

It’s funny now but at the time I was so scared. When we started having children, like most parents, my husband and I had an idea of who they would be. My sons would be just like my wonderful husband and my lovely daughters would be just like me. Right?

Somewhere between toddler and teen  life happened . This is where plans go wrong…wrong…wrong .
While we are planning, life continues to happen. While my mother was planning, I got pregnant at 17 years old. While my friends were planning, their children were diagnosed with severe illnesses. While planning, my  son had to have surgery that would change his life . There are Autism diagnosis’, Cerebal Palsy, Genetic Disorders, Lukemia, Brain Cancer, and list goes on and on for families all over the world. Then there are the routine issues of allergies and tonsils that cause us to worry day in and day out. None of this was planned and for some never expected.

 What happens to a mother when the child you thought you, as if you have control,  planned for  is not the person you thought they would   be? There are parents who find out daily their sons and daughters are gay, pregnant, dropping out of high school, addicted to drugs and alcohol or in a tragic accident which will change their lives forever. This is not the life they  planned for their children. So now what?

 Some will ask and others will wonder ”How did this happen?” or “Why is this happening to me?”
 There will be times of fear and sorrow. There will be times of embarrassment and judgment. Then there is the ultimate guilt. Parents, when faced with these adversities will question themselves and every step and every breath of everyday of that child’s life.  Some will wilt under the sheer idea of the death of what could have been. Others rise to the occasion like champs never missing a beat.

 There is so much fear associated with difference. We forget to be there in the moment to help our  children process their fear as they realize and embrace their own difference. If the diagnosis or prognosis  is not what we planned, we freak out and from that day forward  we find ourselves looking for all the things we somehow missed to make them “ normal”. We somehow become bogged down in the titles of our children's diagnosis or their issues.  We use this diagnosis or difference to define them and our relationship with them.

 We say things like:

 ”My child is____feel in the blank_________.”

 ”My child has________feel in the blank___.”

While paying careful attention to doctor’s appointments and teacher conferences don’t forget to say :

 “My child is great and wonderful .“

 “My child has brought me joy. “

 Truthfully, I know how hard it is to take off  that “ under construction” hat ,constantly  teaching, training, and trying to fix them.  It makes it difficult sometimes   to see the foundation that  we have already laid. It’s hard in everyday parenting not to mention under the most severe circumstances.

 What I have learned is to focus on the entire family as change and difference can be very difficult for everyone to grasp.  I had to remember to use available resources to renew and refresh my spirit.  I have also learned to rely on the wisdom of elders while knowing what my child needs.

 Most all I had to learn to just breathe, relax and enjoy the ride.