Death of an Expectation

When death occurs  someone is left behind to grieve.  When our expectations or our current dreams die we have to grieve to find new dreams.  Sometimes, if we are lucky the death is slow and gradual. But there are times when death is sudden and immediate.  Everyone grieves differently. Some people grieve faster and others slower. Some grief publically and others privately . The seven steps to grieving exists after every death.  The steps are shock, guilt anger, depression, upward turn, reconstruction,  and acceptance/hope. We may not all grieve in the same order but, at some point, everyone feels some of these emotions. We all know how awesome and wonderful our child(ren) will be but when they start to renegotiate their lives and make their own choices, we have to realize death of our expectation is certain.

Shock:

When I was seventeen and found myself pregnant, I don’t see how I could have been shocked- the writing was on the wall in huge neon letters. I was making choices that would lead to pregnancy. But nonetheless I still had that moment of “ Pregnant!? Who!? Me!?” I am too smart so how could this be?   I laugh now because how could I be shocked? Even though we choose behaviors we still are surprised by the outcome. In our children, these are the behaviors and choices we suspect and see but won’t entertain nor correct. This is the teacher conference  that leaves you speechless or the doctor’s visit  that leaves you breathless.

Guilt: 

 In my life, I felt guilty because of the person I mourned the person I thought I could have been. I second guessed my decisions and constantly wondered if I was okay or qualifies to make the decisions I needed to make. This is what has consumed , I think, people the most. It is the most overwhelming feeling . This is the reality that what could have been.

Anger:

This, in mourning  expectations, is really about being hurt. When we hurt, as humans, sometimes it manifests as anger. So when we exhibit anger we have an “ attitude”. We walk around as though we have done nothing wrong, all the while needing to held and told that “ it’s okay”.  Anger and lashing out is part of what helps release the pain we feel.  During pain, we sometimes bargain asking for relief or promising to be different . Anger, for me, is knowing I have not done what I am supposed to do to prevent this from happening and now I have to answer for it.

Depression:

In quiet moments, we feel our hearts ache and allow ourselves to know that this is real and we can’t change it.  We feel at our lowest and sometimes refuse to move forward afraid of leaving what little of the current situation we have behind. This stage is when we have to really feel what anger only admits.

Upward Turn:

 And then one day we wake up , for whatever reason, knowing it will get better. There is a definite change in attitude and understanding during this stage.  It’s the most amazing feeling to know that life goes on and it gets better whatever the situation may be.

Reconstruction: 

 This is where the building blocks of the next dream or expectation comes to you . During this stage , we see life as yet another opportunity to dream. We create alternate ways of thinking to help us rebuild our lives. But the difference between this dream and the last is the lessons we have learned about dream expectations.

Acceptance and Hope:  

This stage is just what it says. We accept whatever the loss is and we decide that we can continue to live life to the fullest . We can have more children, go back to school, vlounteer, or teach.

This is what I have learned: Dreams die and people live to tell the story. Everyone has a dream. I have seen my dreams and expectations die but I continue to live. I live my life looking through a different lens of life. I am looking at the lessons I have learned so I can teach my children how to handle life when dream don’t manifest  right away. They can live their lives after they are disappointed and hurt. I have learned to love them for who they want to be and not who I think they should be. I have learned to celebrate the person I am and the people my children are instead of the who we are not.

I know as parents, especially as a mother,it is hard to see your child pull away from your dreams and have their own but I encourage you to relax and enjoy the ride.