Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Escaping my life


As I sit here with my hands folded, I am refusing to be the kind and supportive mother and wife I have always been. That is how I feel today! Quite honestly? Lately, most days have felt that way.

So when my days feel overwhelming, over scheduled , and underappreicated, I shut down.Do I continue to function? Yes. I still cook, clean, wash, dry, fold, drop off and pick up.

But as I move in auto pilot, I am no longer connected to my children or my husband. Or not like I should.
I have conversations that revert to simple “ yes “and “ no ” answers because I am not listening. I revert to deep sighs in moments of frustration instead of teaching my children and husband how to treat me in those moments.

There was a time when I  have felt significant guilt about “auto pilot”. I can’t say I am proud of it,  but I am aware of it.

Dr.Phil moment: “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.”

For a long time I did not realize I was so “glossed” over and “glassy eyed” in certain moments of life. So my realization is a huge accomplishment.

I am not perfect and my goal is to have less auto pilot moments and to really be ” in the moment” of life . The task at hand is to find the appropriate coping skills, right?

That really is the purpose is to learn, to understand, and to grow. I will have a few bad days but that is okay. Right?

Having the bad days, as I stated earlier, is not the issue. But not knowing I am having a bad day and insisting that “I am fine” ( as I often do …clearing my throat) is the problem.

I now have to, with a deep breath, admit when  I AM NOT FINE.

Ultimately, it is MY fault if I don’t admit I am tired, scared, frustrated, or need a moment alone.

The blame falls on me for not being open, honest, and vulnerable enough to say what I need.

Once I say what I feel, I can then ask for what I need.  I can’t get on a plane and run away when I need time away. But I can take a moment to relax and enjoy the ride.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


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Finding my way back to you.

It is so amazing how I lost track of time. Summer came and it is now gone.

With a new school year comes a new set of "mommy fears" for us. With each fear, I over analyze then panic sets in and I worry.....only to realize I am the only one worried.

The children are not as worried about the new school year, teachers, or friends as I am.

With all the Lifetime movies, family specials and breaking news stories I forget that, at their core, my children are okay.

Once I reminded myself, I reminded them that WE are okay.
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