Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Escaping my life
As I sit here with my hands folded, I am refusing to be the kind and supportive mother and wife I have always been. That is how I feel today! Quite honestly? Lately, most days have felt that way.
So when my days feel overwhelming, over scheduled , and underappreicated, I shut down.Do I continue to function? Yes. I still cook, clean, wash, dry, fold, drop off and pick up.
But as I move in auto pilot, I am no longer connected to my children or my husband. Or not like I should.
I have conversations that revert to simple “ yes “and “ no ” answers because I am not listening. I revert to deep sighs in moments of frustration instead of teaching my children and husband how to treat me in those moments.
There was a time when I have felt significant guilt about “auto pilot”. I can’t say I am proud of it, but I am aware of it.
Dr.Phil moment: “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.”
For a long time I did not realize I was so “glossed” over and “glassy eyed” in certain moments of life. So my realization is a huge accomplishment.
I am not perfect and my goal is to have less auto pilot moments and to really be ” in the moment” of life . The task at hand is to find the appropriate coping skills, right?
That really is the purpose is to learn, to understand, and to grow. I will have a few bad days but that is okay. Right?
Having the bad days, as I stated earlier, is not the issue. But not knowing I am having a bad day and insisting that “I am fine” ( as I often do …clearing my throat) is the problem.
I now have to, with a deep breath, admit when I AM NOT FINE.
Ultimately, it is MY fault if I don’t admit I am tired, scared, frustrated, or need a moment alone.
The blame falls on me for not being open, honest, and vulnerable enough to say what I need.
Once I say what I feel, I can then ask for what I need. I can’t get on a plane and run away when I need time away. But I can take a moment to relax and enjoy the ride.
Posted by Life with Charlotte at 9:50 AM