Life with Charlotte!: Parenting: Routine Check Ups

Life with Charlotte!: Parenting: Routine Check Ups: "When you start a job you have to go to a training. The training is about helping you and the company becomes more productive. I feel the s..."

Parenting: Routine Check Ups

When you start a job you have to go to a training. The training is about helping you and the company becomes more productive. I feel the same way about parenting classes and training. I go to parenting classes yearly ( for check ups) so I can get better and be the best for my child(ren).  I know, as some of you roll your eyes, it sounds crazy.

Why do I need someone to tell me how to raise my children?

I felt guilty because I needed the help. I felt ashamed because I must be doing something wrong. Right ? wrong!

First, I had to decide and make up my mind to take the classes. So I made the call. It was  a small fee ($15.00) and I have found others for free. I signed up and showed up- another big step. I talked myself out of it several times before the start of the class, saying “Oh, I am fine” or ‘ I don’t need any help- she’s just a baby.” So I got the courage up and I went to the first class.

WOW! The room was full.

I realized was that I am not alone. There are other families and mothers who are frustrated and at their wits end about one or more children they are raising. They are afraid for many different reasons but they want and need some practical advice. Or…..they want to  the best parent they can be so they enrolled to help prevent, as much as possible, problems in the long run.  We shared our experiences and  I felt stronger just being around them.

What have parenting classes taught me?

1. Parenting is a learned behavior. We learn to parent from our parents. That’s great!- If you have perfect parents. I don’t know a perfect parent. Do you?
2. Parenting classes are about me and not my children. I could not change my children but I could react different to my children.  
3. I learned to know my limits and how to ask for help. There are Social Workers and therapist usually teaching the class.
4. My children appreciate it. They know I want to be the best mother I can for them.

Classes or No classes? I realize everyone can’t go to five week long classes. Not everyone wants to be in a classroom setting or to connect with other mothers. So then what?

I read a lot of parenting material. There are books, local magazines and Internet articles on parenting. Yes… it helps.

I also subscribe to emails and newsletters about parenting so I can simply have reminders of some good techniques.

For more in-depth help, You Tube/Google parenting techniques or call your school counselor for step-by-step things to do.

But don’t be afraid to need the help and get it. It makes you and your family better.

Reflections of Motherhood

I found this and started to really reflect my time as a mother. I know it is far from over. Actually, it never ends. That is my new reality...it never ends. For some , when a child turns 18, the journey is over but for others the journey is really begining.

Having the chance to move from motherhood to friend, for me, is a really hard transition. It forces me to relfect on the choices I have made for my children and respect the choices they have made for themselves along the way- good or bad.

I am learning to hear the voices of the young women and young men deeply embedded in my four children.  I am have to see them for who they can be while I am teaching and training even today. Although, I have an adult child, I must admit, it is even harder knowing that I can't make choices for her but I have to listen and hope she makes the choices that are best for herself.

My reflection is bitter sweet. I am both happy and sad. I would tell myself:

"Relax, this is a marathon not a race. You are doing your best. You can take a nap, not clean your house, and not have to worry about what others think of you."

In another ten or twenty years, hopefully, I can say, " you did it, they are as awesome as you thought thet would be"

But for now, I will relax and enjoy the ride.

What would tell yourself?

Faith Without Works is Dead

 A + B = C, 1 + 2 = 3. These equations seem so simple but look closer and there is a lesson. A lesson I seem to be learning over and over again. To receive something I have to give something. I can’t just “wish” it into existence. As I look at my most recent dilemmas of life, I realize I did not follow that simple rule. You give what you get.

In relationships, I am finding the same simple rule is true.

In marriage, you have to give as much as you expect. If I want my “honey” to know I love him, I have to say so and show him. To expect him to love me and make compromises for the good of our family, he has to see me do the same for him. It’s just that simple. We, together have to lay the foundation.I want a healthy and happy family so I have to put in the work that it takes to make a family healthy.

In finances, how can I be prepared for retirement if I have spent my money and not saved? I have to be disciplined and do my part to have the life I want.

In motherhood, I have to give what I expect to receive. I have to teach kindness and patience to expect my children to exhibit kindness and patience. The same is true for rules and behaviors. If I have not taught them to behave in a certain manner then how can I expect them to know how to behave? I want my children to be successful and they want to but if I don’t teach them about study habits and discipline, how will they know?

I know it’s hard and I get lazy and don’t feel like teaching. Yes…it is easier to do it myself than to wait for
them to learn it but that’s because I know how to do it. Now, I have to teach them so they can learn to do it. I know it can be scary as they make mistakes but I still have to teach it. I have to do my part to help them be who they need to be. I can’t expect them to know anything other than what I have been disciplined in teaching them.

For me, this is a lesson I continue to learn often. Or maybe I am not learning all there is to know about wanting to have something and expecting it to happen to me without doing my part completely.

 It’s human nature to want what you want when you want it, right? So I have to fight that desire to just “wish” for  something  to happen without making some sacrifices along the way. I have to push away the thought that my children should be better at something when I have not invested any time teaching them how to do it.

It’s unfair for me to act as if  I should have what I want and then pout when I don’t get it.

It’s not them….it’s me. It’s just that simple. I have to do my part.

GENERATION RESPECT ME

Each generation has it’s title based on their cultural movement. There are the baby boomers, the Gen-X, Y, and Z. My parents are more baby boomers and my children are more Gen Y and Z. My husband and I are Gen Xers.

Baby boomers are influenced by respecting elders and respecting job titles. As we grow older, I see more of the baby boomer mentality ingrained in me which I can feel my children fighting.But, Generation Y and Z see respect differently.

 I could see signs of this shift in “what is respect and who is worthy of respect?” in my oldest daughter. But, at that time, I could not grasp it. Now, as I look at my youngest son and my two middle schoolers, I can see the divide a gaping hole.

This generation of children born near the millennium and into a more digital world do not respect relationships as we, Gen Xers were taught. On some level, through our rebellion of baby boomers, we taught our children to challenge the status quo authority.

 I have found this generation of children requires constant communication. Where we played outside to have friends, they are connected constantly through technology.

They find it hard to accept “because I said so”. They expect to be respected equally- as adults and want an explanation. This is where it gets sticky. I am an adult and I believe in earned respect. That’s I was taught. That was the influence around me as I was growing up. My children can feel that influence and see  it in me and my husband.  However,my children expect respect just because. It is not just them but their friends too.

 I know there is a careful balance to minimize to this conflict. But to do my part,I am forced to find new tools to maintain and develop a relationship with my children. I could hold on to what my grandparents did and what my parents did but I have discovered the world is functioning different. Different can be good or bad. I am the one who determines if the changes are used for good or evil. I am the teacher( mother). I am the person who will train them to navigate the traditions of family and the realities of a changing world.

This is what I  have learned to do differently:

 1. I understand and utilize “Teamwork” as part of home. We clean as a team and eat as a team. We support as a team. This is not a new concept. I just present it as a “the way we do things”. I have read over and over again that Gen Y and Z are motivated most when doing team concepts. So that’s what I use. We are a family (a team).     

 2. I listen and respect their opinion. We have respectful dialogue. We, as a team decide what we want to eat. My husband and I present the choices based on my budget and we go with the majority. I cook everyday and offer everything. But I allow them to decide what goes on their plates. I have one rule: At least one vegetable. I could tell them what to eat and how much but when will they learn to make decisions if I tell them everything? My goal is to empower them to make decisions and understand the consequences of their choices.

 3. I am tone specific. I use a tone of mutual respect when I communicate with my children.  In return, I get the same thing. I could use give directives,  use sarcasm, and anger but I am trying to teach them how to talk to and treat others with respect and maturity. So I must exhibit control over my tone.
 Yes, I know….I know…. I could make things very easy and tell them what to do all the time. But what I have discovered is as a mother, trying to teach and train, how can I teach you respect if I respect everyone else and “boss “my children around? I know my power and so do they but, like superman,  I don’t use it unless I have to.

Got thoughts, ideas, advice and/or suggestions? Let me know. Leave a comment.

Doing Nothing on Purpose

As I sit here, I am watching The Today Show on  NBC. Meredith Vieira is doing an interview segment on mothers and daughters. The panelists on the show state that 80+% of girls feel overwhelmed by their life. Wow! Then they talk about how a mother can decrease that percentage by simply talking to their daughters. Good news for mothers? Maybe.

Mothers, our daughters feel overwhelmed and over pressured because we feel overwhelmed and over pressured. We have to teach our daughters how to relax and let go. As a former corporate fundraiser, I can see where I instilled this overarching “ go get it” attitude in my daughters. I have fiercely independent girls. But that’s what I taught them. The opposite of independent is dependent. That, in a woman’s vocabulary, is blasphemy. But, dependent can mean many things. I can depend on my husband to listen to me. I can depend on my BFF to laugh with me and encourage me. I can depend on my mother and father to help with my kids if I need them. I can depend on myself to remember to ask for help.

Somewhere between corporate America and housewife, I learned to stop being afraid of dependence. I learned to ask for help and rely on my support system. I stopped needing to be the person that can do everything. I stopped needing to control what I can’t control.

I started allowing my girls to see my vulnerability and weaknesses. I talk openly about my failures and mistakes. I laugh at my feeble attempts to try new recipes which results in ordering pizza. I give my girls permission to be human. I apologize when I am wrong.Yes….I have some super mommy tendencies. But, I am learning…. Repeat….I am learning to let these tendencies go.

This is what I am learning: I am learning to do nothing with my girls on purpose. I am learning to sit in a room with them and just enjoy them. I am learning to have conversations with them. I am learning to talk more about friends and fears over coffee (yes…even with my 11 year old) or after movie. I am learning I have to stop planning their next move and pressuring them to achieve. I am learning no pressure… just time.

Mostly, I am learning to just relax and enjoy the ride with my girls.  

It’s Just Hair!

 

 

You know why I have grown to like Wendy Williams? She has honesty about herself that I can appreciate. She has been brutally honest about her love for wigs and makeup. We all know she had a boob job. Well, I can admit that I admire that honesty. Like Wendy Williams, there are a lot of women out there who get up and “put on” their best face for the world to see. I am included in that group as well. I change my look often from long sewn-in tracks to a wig to a natural.

Thinking about Wendy and hair, I am reminded of a saying I grew up hearing, “It’s just hair”. On the surface, yeah hair can be changed to fit any look or image. But much deeper, it’s not about hair. It’s about the things women, ALL WOMEN, do to impress on another but lie about it. We wear body shapers, wigs, make-up, butt lifters, ect. Now I am not one to criticize, especially on this topic because I have used all those tools at some point , but lets be honest.

Most of us use some tool to make us look a certain way to feel more comfortable. I know the self esteem gurus will tell you, “You don’t need those things to be beautiful”. I agree…. I don’t need them, I am beautiful and You are beautiful, but I want them. I want them without apology.

I am learning that my love for make up and dress up is okay. I don’t feel “ un- natural” or “not authentic” because I have on my gear. Being authentic is knowing who I am enough to be okay with using all these tools. No, I don’t rock my stilettos in the house. But when I go out I rock ‘em. I am learning to “do me” the way I want to without guilt or shame. Anyone can tell you I have a very high sense of self and I love me like nobody else, so I have no problem telling people how I achieve my look, be it  a weave, a wig, a body shaper, or whatever. These things don’t define me but  they do accessorize and enhance me.

Understanding me helps my children embrace their own sense of style and wonder. I am teaching my daughters to “be you” in whatever context that may be. Also, I am teaching all me children  to not be afraid of new trends and styles but to embrace change in yourself.

 Not everyone has the same sense of style. Not all girls are “girly” as in wanting lace and flowers or butterflies and bows. But whatever you are “do you”. Me? I am just going to relax and enjoy this ride.